This is Me

As I am sitting here, writing this post, my DD is in her room "taking a nap," which currently consists of standing on her bed, shaking her booty to some imaginary song... I know this because I have a camera posted above her bed. She, being a toddler, does not have the concept of personal privacy, so I plan on taking advantage of this as long as possible. Right now, she's just convinced that I'm psychic and know all and see all. I like it that way.

The camera actually has more to do with my paranoia than it does my daughter's toddlerish behavior. For better or worse, I am a cop and a mom. As much as I'd like to tell you that I totally seperate my job and my home life, it just doesn't happen. Much of what I see at work, affects my perceptions and responses as a mom. For example, I'm quite certain that I am the only mom with a gun during playdates, church, and any other ordinary event, such as grocery shopping. Unless, of course, you include other cop moms.

Yesterday, is a great example. I met another cop mom at the zoo. We both have little ones, and decided it would be nice to get the kids out. Most of our conversation revolved around "normal" things like milestones our kids are hitting, behavior issues, ect. That is until we got to the cougar exhibit. It was feeding time and the two cougars were furiously pacing around their enclosure, right next to the glass that our little ones were standing near. My friend looked at me and said, "You know, I have this fear that one of these things will get out while I'm here. It freaks me out." That is a relatively normal statement. However, her next line, not so much. "I just feel better knowing I have my gun." To which I replied, "Amen, the only thing I worry about is not having enough rounds." This is NOT NORMAL mom conversation, but wierdly has become completely normal to me...

Things that other moms worry about, drowning, choking, being hit by cars, are the things that I and other cop moms actually are a witness to while working on patrol and taking calls. I have never pulled a child out of a pool that lived, and in five years, I have been on 5 drowning calls, 3 involving children. To say I'm paranoid about water safety is the understatement of the century.

I also have fears about child predators. Not necessarily the kind that would drive up and snatch my child out of the yard, though they are certainly included in the worrying, but the kind that preys on kids in daycare, church, the playground, ect. Only 1% of attacks on children come from the "boogy man stranger" that we warn our kids about. The other 99% sadly come from someone they know, and often a family member. That is why only three people watch my kiddo, all of which are female. Now, I know that sounds very non-P.C., however, the fact is that women commit very few attacks on children of a sexual nature when compared to men. So, DH and I go with the numbers and only let women watch the kiddo.

I realize that I sound like a complete freak. I also know that even by worrying about everything and running every scenerio, something could still happen to my child. For the rest of it, I pray. I pray for wisdom as a mom, her security, how to raise her to be compassionate but strong and assertive as a woman.

Some days after a particularly bad call or calls, I come home and just sit with her, and thank God for her. Most of the time though, when I come home, I'm just mom. I bake, I clean, I sew (a new endeavor), sing nursery rhymes, read stories, and do a lot of laughing with the family. Because at the end of the day, whatever job you have, it's all about what you come home to. And that is the most secure feeling of all.